When To Kick Your Kids Out Of The House: A Practical Guide

in Financial Planning by

According to a Gallup poll of 3,445 people, conducted between Aug – Dec 31, 2013, roughly 14% of adults between the ages of 24-34 are still living at home with their parents. That number rises to 51% for adults between the ages of 18-23.

Gallup-Kids-Home

There’s nothing wrong with living at home with one’s parents. Who wouldn’t want free rent, free food, free laundry, free cable, free internet, and maybe even a free pool and outdoor hot tub great for partying with friends, depending on how rich one’s parents are.

With the high cost of housing in major metro areas around the country, coupled with a competitive labor market, living at home makes tremendous financial sense.

A TALE OF TWO COLLEGE GRADUATES

One 30-year-old male I know named Jacob, set out to be an independent man after graduating from UC Berkeley in 2007. He told me years ago, “Sam, there’s no way in hell I would ever go back home to live with my parents after four years of freedom in college. It would feel like I was going backwards, you know? I want to live for today!”

However, when I spoke to him the other week, his tune had changed. Jacob now laments how all he can afford is a less-than-desirable $2,800 one bedroom in a borderline area of San Francisco with his underemployed bride. Combined, they make a very respectable $120,000 a year before taxes. After he maxes out his 401k and pays taxes, they are left with only ~$70,000 a year, or $5,833 a month to pay for rent and everything else.

Even if they ate no food, never turned on the heater, gave up all material items, and skipped all vacations, they would still have to save for seven years to come up with a 20% down payment on a median priced home in San Francisco. Who knows what prices will be seven years from now? Based on the long-term trend, a safe bet is prices will be higher. It’s hard to see Jacob and his wife getting farther ahead without a big career break.

Now take Rachel, a 30-year-old female who also graduated from UC Berkeley. Not only did she live at home her final two years of college to save her parents money, she lived at home for eight years after college as well. Although it takes her 45 minutes each way to go from the East Bay to downtown San Francisco, she’s been able to save $30,000 a year after-tax by not having to pay for rent, utilities, and frequent meals. Furthermore, Rachel also has over $120,000 in her 401k.

Armed with roughly $200,000 in savings, Rachel and her husband plan to buy a picturesque 1,800 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Golden Gate Heights, San Francisco for $1.35 million. Their combined after-tax income is roughly $100,000 – $120,000 a year, so they could afford a $3,820 a month mortgage payment at 2.37% after putting down $350,000 (combined with some of her husband’s savings, who has even more than Rachel). It will be tight after property taxes, food, utilities, and so forth, but it’s possible.

Many of Jacob and Rachel’s friends have strong incomes thanks to the robust Bay Area economy. Their income growth potential is also quite strong over the next 10 years as well. What many of Jacob and Rachel’s friends don’t have is the down payment.

Gallup-Kids-Maried-Living

WHEN TO KICK THE KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE

We’ve just witnessed how staying at home allows adult children to supercharge their savings and get ahead in life at a later age. Let’s now talk about when it’s time to cut ties.

    1) When it’s clear your child isn’t getting anywhere at work. The biggest risk with allowing an adult child to live at home is killing off their motivation to become independent human beings. It’s understandable to lose motivation when everything is handed to you. There’s no need to get into work early, or leave late, to jockey for that raise or promotion if you don’t have a monthly rent payment coming due. After several years of switching jobs or getting nowhere at work, it should become clear that living at home is a detriment.

    2) When your child’s bank account does not increase by at least the monthly rent cost of a room or an apartment s/he would have rented. If Big Bobby was going to slum it with four roommates for $1,000 a month in the Mission, then Big Bobby better show at least a $1,000 increase in monthly savings. It’s important for you to check your child’s financial accounts every month to see if there’s progress. If there is no progress, your child is simply taking advantage of you.

    3) When your child hasn’t offered to mow the lawn, do the dishes, clean the house, or run errands in over a month. If your adult child still is acting like a dependent adolescent child, then it’s important to have a serious talk about making sure they contribute to the household. Give them a three-month timeline to shape up before you force them out. Scare them silly by printing out the latest rental listings in order for them to see how much they would have to spend for so little.

    4) When you start noticing his or her friends come over more frequently. A motivated adult should be out there networking, working hard, and hustling to try and break free from the nest. If you find his or her friends constantly coming over and doing who knows what in their rooms all day, your child is getting way too comfortable for his or her own good. There should be an opposite mindset where your child should protect your house from guests at all costs because s/he wants to impose the least amount of burden possible.

    5) When they’ve hit 32 years old. Love is tough, but if your child is 32 years old and still living at home, it’s time to go. 14 years after becoming an adult, and 10 years after the average person graduates from college is more than enough time to find out what they want to do with their life. 10-14 years is also enough time to save enough money to live independently. Allowing adult children to stay beyond age 32 does them no favors.

THEY’RE ONLY A PHONE CALL AWAY

Baby turtles have to break through a hard shell, climb through mounds of sand, and then waddle into the ferocious sea without knowing how to swim. Many of them die en route, but for those that live, they become majestic creatures that may live for over 100 years.

Even if you kick your adult children out of the house, know that they are just a phone call away. They may never forgive you for no longer doing their laundry, but deep down inside, you know it’s for their own good. One day, they’ll call you out of the blue and thank you for your all your support and courage!

Parents, when do you think is the right time to kick your kids out of the basement? Are there any adult children out there still living at home? What are some benefits and negatives of living at home? Isn’t social life a little awkward if your house isn’t too big?

Regards,

Financial Samurai

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Financial Samurai

Sam is the former Managing Editor of the Daily Capital blog. He worked in finance from 1999-2012 before deciding to focus full-time on his online endeavors - FinancialSamurai.com and the Yakezie Network. Sam is an avid tennis fan who loves to travel. He received his BA from William & Mary and his MBA from UC Berkeley.

79 comments

  1. Kevin Cullen

    You think Rachel and her husband can easily afford a $4,000 per month mortgage payment on $100k of income per year? That sounds very tight to me, particularly if the mortgage payment does not include real estate taxes.

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      It’s a little tight, but doable. $100,000 AFTER taxes = $8,333 a month. Let’s say the mortgage is $4,000 ($1,200 is principal pay down), and property taxes and maintenance is $1,300 a month. That still leaves $3,000 a month after taxes in disposable income to spend/save/invest. This is not to mention the ~$25,000 in mortgage interest they may be able to write-off from their income.

      At 30 years old, Rachel is still on the upward slope of her career. I’m hopeful that Rachel and her husband will get some sort of raise and stay employed over the next 5-10 years while their payments stay the same.

      Reply
      • diverj

        I guess they don’t plan on having kids. A kid in daycare in SF will cost them $30K/yr. One parent can’t stay home to be with the kid because they need the income for the mortgage. Classic SF middle class squeeze.

        Reply
      • Jacob

        $100k gross income –> taxes ~27% (joint) = $73k net (~$6k/mo.)…

        Fix your numbers. They’re spending way too much on their mortgage.

        Reply
    • Anonymous

      Kids live in a trailer , but when do you quit coming to their rescue every time there is a bump in the road. 3 children and a car bought by dad. Son works daughter in law wants to be a stay at home mom.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      heck no grow up people

      Reply
  2. Lindsay

    Rachel sounds a little like me! I stayed at home for five years after college until 27, but left once I got engaged and bought a place with my husband. It was the best move I ever made! There would be much less of a student loan issue if more children’s lived at home for a few years to save money.

    Reply
  3. Asa

    8 years at home after college!? Essentially your entire 20s. That seems crazy. I appreciate the sentiment of the article, but I just don’t see that being reasonable advice. Learning to live frugally and with roommates seems like useful skills on their own. And a $4000 mortgage as the “reward” for 8 years at home? No thank you.

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Ah, but their house is so nice! And who knows, the house might appreciate in value over time as well.

      Reply
    • Michelle Oakley

      Kids need to figure out how to be resourceful and adapt in the current environment!! Living at home till 28 years old is absolutely ridiculous!!
      #get2roommates #figureitout #lifeisnotfair

      Reply
    • autum

      I was out on my own at 18 with minimum wage job but full time. I think people are a little spoiled these days. My parents are both deceased, so I couldn’t rely on anyone else or even welfare. Didn’t have much in the fridge but all my expenses were paid and on time. Everyone can do it. I’m not the worse case scenario I’m sure.

      Reply
    • Tamara DodgeT

      $4000 per month mortgage….. Rachel needs be poor like the rest of us that had to suffer as we grew into being mature. Everyone wants stuff handed to them for nothing. My husband and I worked our asses off and sacrificed personal wants and needs in effort to real a goal! We did just get handed a perfect life!

      Reply
  4. SavvyFinancialLatina

    I see many peers my age receiving financial help from their parents. I know many who’s parents have helped with down payment of houses. It’s odd for me to see this because I’m in a different situation. My parents helped me during college ($10K), but I’ve already saved enough money to pay them back because it was a loan.

    Reply
  5. Christian

    I was also surprised by that. They seem to be violating your own 30/30/3 Principle.
    That said, where would they get their 1M mortgage?

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Good point! They are free to do what they want to do. Banks are aggressively lending again and one can get a 30 year fixed for under 3.5% now. I’m refinancing to 2.25% for a 5/1 ARM.

      Maybe they have lots of money behind thanks to their parents. Maybe they are super bullish on their career.

      Reply
  6. Marc stone

    Based on her income which you say is 100k she will not qualify for a mortgage
    Unless you are using net of income tax
    And not gross
    Also what other debt does she have car payments etc

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      It’ after taxes.

      Reply
  7. Ronald

    Perhaps its time todays youth understand that the “luxuries” of life have priorities. No you don’t need to drive a new car. No you don’t need a 50 inch TV and one in every room. No you don’t need 500 channel of BS with the cable company. Yes you can go to the consignment store to furnish your apartment until you can afford to replace those items with newer items. I am not that old at 48 and until recently have never had a combined income over $110K with 3 children in the most expensive state in the country (NJ). Somehow, I managed to have a decent retirement portfolio, and three houses, and live comfortably and am set to semi retire in 5 years. Anyway. one child at 25 flew the nest on her own. One is clinging on to his father’s nest (my wife’s ex) at age 24 after he was given the ultimatum at this nesting place. The third is a freshman in high school and has a clear understanding that his graduation day is also the day that we sell the homes in NJ and move to FL where there will be no room for him. He will learn to fly with our emotional support, guidance, and education…. not by enabling dependent behavior.

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Very impress accumulation of wealth Ronald!

      Enabling dependent behavior is definitely what I see ALL around here in San Francisco. But that’s partly b/c housing is so expensive. In fact, all seven of my neighbor’s houses were paid for by their parents. Read: A Massive Generational Wealth Transfer Is Why Everything Will Be OK!

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      Absolutely the truth. Love this response.

      Reply
    • nhevergreen

      I love this post. I have one in the nest who is SORELY in need of a kick in the butt. Our eldest is in the military – we always told him that he’d better be really, really smart because we’re not rich. He put himself through college on a ROTC scholarship and is now an officer with great career prospects. Our youngest is the complete opposite and it’s driving me crazy.

      Reply
    • Michelle Oakley

      Yay!!!! ???

      Reply
  8. Sunil

    Then there is the cultural aspect too… I would be delighted if my kids were to stay with me! My parents live with me and its wonderful to have grand parents around my kids. Not to mention carefree date nights with the wife… I am still not sure why its considered such a big issue… Deadbeats will be deadbeats irrespective of whether they live with their parents or not. My neighbor’s (also Indian) son is 30 something and lives with his parents…. He was one of the founding members of a very successful start up in SF that was sold to a big IT company.. He made close to 10 million and is currently working on his own start up that recently received 5 million in series A. He has a fully paid house in SF that he rents out. He did move out after graduating, for few years but returned after his mom hounded him to move back in…

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Cultural norms is definitely a big part of it. That’s pretty sweet he made $10 million and moved back him with the parents!

      Reply
  9. Grannie

    Our only daughter gave birth to a precious baby boy at age 19. She finished cosmetology school, now works for an office supply store, and contributes to the household chores 150%. She has made $9,100 so far and has saved $3,500, approximately 1/3 of her salary. We enjoy helping raise our grandson and expect that our daughter will live with us until she can afford to support herself and her son as a single mom. Yes, we pay for day care, groceries, etc., but she buys clothes and shoes for her son and is a good mother. For us, love trumps money, and we are sure that this extra time at home will allow our daughter the time she needs to mature even more and eventually have a loving home of her own for her and her son.

    Reply
    • Robert C.

      I can identify with you Grannie, I too have children (with children) in my household. I am constantly telling myself how blessed I am to have my grandchildren under my roof. They are a blessing and a joy. I would not feel the same nor would my home be the same if I were to push my children out the door until they were financially ready.

      Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Wonderful Grannie. Love does trump money, and if everybody is happy, then great.

      I have to imagine it would be difficult raising a family, paying for rent, and all those expenses at 19. It’s great you are caring for her. Is it possible to get financial help from the father?

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      Sounds like self interest and enablement at the expense of having to grow up and be responsible. Are you doing this for your own benefit or for her’s and the Grandaughter. Essentially, you’re in the way and retarding their growth.

      Reply
  10. KBuck

    It is not FREE to live at home. It COSTS a lot of money to “keep” an adult. Why would I want my parents to “keep” me?! I would be USING them. I would be cutting into what THEY EARNED. Get off your dead ass, get a job, and make YOUR OWN WAY in this world! I would much rather (and have!) live in a crap-box apartment with roommates than USE my parents!

    Reply
    • Deb Bardwell

      Good for you!! Love this post!

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      Two big thumbs up for this post!

      Reply
    • Mr. Clean

      Somebody got all worked up! Chill out. Not every adult that is living with their folks is eating into what mom and pop earned. There are a lot of situations that are mutually beneficial.

      Reply
  11. Stephanie, Financial Advisor

    Your estimate on how much Rachel and her husband would have to invest in a new home is inaccurate. If she is using her 401 (k) as the majority part of her down payment she will never make the 20% she needs to purchase the house. The 401 (K) using the 59 1/2 -70 1/2 rule would be reduced by perhaps 30 to 40 percent of the total value of the money invested so far. Therefore she might at most have 80 to 90 thousand dollars to assist in the down payment for. You stated that she would have $350,0000 for the down payment, when in actuality she would have a quarter of that amount. Where would she get the additional $150k? Your total estimation of how much she should have based on the circumstances is inaccurate the 401 (K) would not help cover the costs. She would be charged extreme penalties because she took out before the age of 59 1/2. There is no way she gas the funds to purchase a $1.35M home.
    You also break down Rachel and her husbands combined income $100K, and come up with an estimate of a monthly living allowance of $3,000. I have to say this; Seriously! They have now purchased a $1.35m home in one of the most expensive cities in the U.S.. Even with their house being their only debt ( which is about 95% doubtful, car loans, credit card, etc), there is no way they can live off $3000 per month. Let’s break it down shall we. Unless they received an amazing interest eate of 3% or lower there is no way they are paying $4000 a month in mortgage. A more realistic amount would be $5000-5500. Now looking at property tax. I purchased a home in the bay area for $1.15. The propert tax on this home is $14,500 a year rounded, being approx. $1200 a month rounded. A house valued a $1.35M will more likely have a tax value close to $18,000 per year, or $1500 per month. So far totalling $6500 per month on the low end, or $78,000, thus leaving our friends with $22,000 annually or $1,833 approx. per month.
    Now lets say for your arguments sake they really have no debt. They have depleted their savings. They have not even purchased food, paid utilities, gotten gas for their car, purchased only the necessary toiletries, etc, all on $1833 per month, $500 per week, $65 per day.
    Rachel and her husband will be house rich, but actually living as if they were below the poverty level. Your estimates, not only inaccurate, but unrealistic.
    Rachels best plan would be to stop investing in a tax later 401 (k) and invest her money in a tax free, high rate of return indexed 7702 (a). Then build to $350,000 at an interest rate no lower than 6% and possibly as high as 15%. She can borrow from herself at no interest and pay it back on her own timeline interest free.
    Your breakdown of Rachel’s plans and finances are not only unrealistic, but dangerous to their financial future. I would suggest more research and education before posting anything else henceforth. Your advice and suggestions could ruin a person financially and that would be a travesty. Please stop blogging.

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Thanks for your great comment! I think you might have missed some important details in the post, so let me rehash.

      * Rachel and her husband have $350,000 saved in after-tax money to put down for the $1.35 million house. I’m currently refinancing a 5/1, $1 million mortgage for 2.25%, and the total payment is $3,820/month, $1,950 of which is principal.

      * “Furthermore, Rachel also has over $120,000 in her 401k.” from my post

      * I didn’t advise Rachel and her husband to buy a house. I jut told their story on what they plan to do.

      * At 30 years old, both their incomes are on an upward trajectory. Her income can easily rise by 50% in five years in her industry.

      I understand it’s hard to believe people are spending so much for a house in SF, but that’s what people do and did. Perhaps Rachel even had some financial assistance as well, I’m not sure. The reality is, lots of 30-something year olds are buying properties b/c they can.

      What area of the country do you live in?

      Sam

      Reply
  12. Dennis

    If they saved 200k for a down payment, time to take their skills elsewhere. Buy a 150k home in a comfortable area with a reasonable job market. 50k with no mortgage buys a good amount of time to resettle and enjoy life a while. Jobs rarely last a mortgage. If you miss the payment poof! There goes everything.

    Reply
  13. Deb Bardwell

    Perhaps they should consider moving to a less costly area. SF is one of the most expensive places to live. Move a bit inland and get established where you can afford it.

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Ah, but the income earnings potential is very strong. I think it’s great to make the outsized income, save a lot, and then move to a lower cost area if you want to take it down a notch.

      Reply
  14. Jeff

    How can you make a down payment of $350,000 with $200,000 of savings?

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Because they have $350,000 in after-tax savings at least, and Rachel has another $120K in her 401k. I’m not sure how much is in her husband’s 401k.

      Reply
  15. Michael

    There are lots of articles like this that talk about the merits of kids living with parents and how it benefits them financially, but I’d like to see one that focuses on the parents financial situation.. Think about what the parents could do with all of that money they’re spending on kids. The parents are a lot closer to retirement, but you suggest that they should be worried about kids that won’t retire for another 40-50 years. The kids have time to make up for a slow start, but the parents don’t have that luxury. I say create a plan that forces them to take charge of their own life and stick to it.

    Reply
    • Ty

      I would like to see an article on people in my situation. Middle aged parents who have their kids move back home after college because they, the parents, are having financial difficulties. Since the Great Recession this is becoming increasingly common, In some cases there are 3 generations of adults living under one roof. Grandma’s SS benefits are not covering her expenses, Dad got laid off and had to take a lower paying job, Kid has to move back home so parents don’t lose their home and everybody still has as a mountain of student loans to pay off. Many young people can live on their own but feel obligated to family. Not all of us receive financial help from our parents for living and educational expenses during college or after.

      Reply
  16. DaughterOfAFrustratedCubanRefugee

    This thing about adult children not living with parents is heavily influenced by American culture and values. It’s also based on the assumption that a strong sense of personal responsibility and productivity cannot be developed without children leaving home at age 18.

    I left home at 19 because my mother and “stepfather” (I use that term loosely because that man couldn’t have fathered his way out of a paper bag) were highly dysfunctional. Still, in my Christian- fundamentalist, old world, Cuban,family, my leaving home at that age, without being married, was a huge family scandal. To boot, I left with my 13-year-old sister in tow, because she wouldn’t have survived the abuse/neglect that was takjng place. I worked 2-4 part-time jobs at a time, took every student loan I could sign my name away to, and did this from community college through graduate school. Somehow we made it. Now, I’m a licensed clinical social worker (with my life experiences, this career choice was inevitable). I work for the federal government earning $86.5K (gross) and am strapped with 165K in student loans. If my family would have been “healthy,” it’s likely I would have lived at home the entire time I was in school.

    Adult children who don’t work, aren’t in school anymore, play video games all day, don’t don’t do their own laundry, don’t contribute to chores or paying for utilities are in a different class from those who are busting their butts to help out and move themselves forward. Support of family is a blessing. Enabling stagnation only hurts your kids. We need to understand these differences, culturally and philosophically. Having a cookie-cutter, “throw ’em out at 18″approach is not reason-based. The decision to cut the umbilical cord should depend on what the kid is doing to evolve and how much they can demonstrate that they value the support that is being given.

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      What about “throw ’em out by 32” though? I’m just offering up a practical guide here.

      Everybody’s situation is different. Thank you for sharing your perspective!

      Reply
  17. Jeff

    I have plenty to say about this but will leave it at this. Saving up to buy a $1.35 million house. How about get out now if your over 24-25 and buy a house you can afford for what you make. $1.35 million. Come on man! I’m 51 and can’t afford a house like that.

    Reply
  18. John

    What planet do these people live on that they need to live with their parents while they are netting over 100,000 per year? Being dumb with your money is no excuse. Yes, homes are expensive. I live in a $450,000 four bedroom 3 bath home in a golf community on the water with a small 26 ft boat slip here on the east coast. We make a combined income of less than 58,000 per year. How you ask, we lived in a smaller home for 16 years and paid principle payments to reduce the mortgage every month. After 16 years, we paid down the loan and sold when real-estate was high making a nice cash profit. Of course we bought when it was high too. I’m 50 yrs young, old school and would do anything to help my kids, but unless you have special needs, after 23 your out! Get room-mates and rough it like we did. Its the only way to live life and grow unless you’re family is so rich you live on another planet!

    Reply
    • Ty

      They live in SF. They could not get a Studio for that much without the fear of being shot or carjacked.

      Reply
  19. Rachelle

    I fully believe that if the adult child is going to school, that should be priority. Of course they will need a part-time job because we can pay for college without help. And if they are working F/T, then or course they will pay us “rent.” Even if going to school & working. If would be reflective of what their expenses a& income are, of course. But my plan is this:
    They pay us “rent,” be it $50 or $500 each month. We will place it in a secret account to grow. When the time comes for them to leave, they get it back for a down payment or deposit for rent.

    My oldest will turn 18 two weeks after graduation. We will be moving during that time. He understands he will have to go to school and work part time. But I want to give him what my father clearly and verbally stated that he would not help support us on the VERY day we turned 18 and that he will NOT help us through school at all, because he was opposed to college (his parents were university professors & he only went to machinists tech school). Well he was abusive and a sociopath, hence why I decided to immediately cut ties and joined the army.

    I did get a bachelors in 2009, then my Masters in 2013, at the ages of 33 & 37, respectively. The VA paid for my BA, but I’m $60k in debt for my masters, but am looking for a public servant job (not that difficult considering I’m a social worker) for loan forgiveness (work for 10 yrs for gov’t, gov’t owed college or hospital, or other 503(c) nonprofit to qualify). There ARE ways around paying for college. My husband, also a veteran, at the age got his BA in economics a year ago and just started a better paying job than he ever has had 2,000 miles away from us (although I’m staying behind so that I can sell the house I’m doing most of the repairs on myself & that my son can graduate with his friends he’s had since 3rd grade, since they all really need to stick together after the shootings in October at his high school of MPHS. We live 40 north of Seattle and my husband just finished his 2nd week at his dream job of a data analyst/jr. project manager in Tulsa, OK).

    It it tight paying a mortgage and rent, but he found a cheap place with my help. I have always been a penny pincher, and both of us know the sting of poverty growing up. We were both unemployed this past summer. But my 3 sons know we live below our means because you just never know. We will get what we can afford on my husband’s income plus our VA disability, which is way more than we ever could in WA. Then once I’m working, we will be able to invest again.

    I know it isn’t really recommended, but due to our bad summer, we had to quickly get rid of debt and couldn’t afford to pay the bills, so we had to dip into retirement funds. We didn’t do it to pay the bills; we did it to completely pay off our debt of about $80k (everything but his new Jetta, the mortgage, and my student loans). Yes, it jacked up our income SIGNIFICANTLY (to about $250K and he did underestimate taxes by $6K due to not qualifying for most tax breaks), but it was $1,500 in bills we didn’t have to worry about each month. We will rebuild it with my income. It was drastic, but we did it to avoid defaulting and bankruptcy. I feel we did the right thing. And things are starting to get better already!

    Onward to new adventures!

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Good luck on your new adventure!

      Best,

      Sam

      Reply
  20. Liz C

    ok so I totally agree with your article of when to kick your kids out of the house. The whole thing of them staying and saving money and you checking their account to be sure they are doing that. Totally agree. I have 3 kids, 25,23,20. Oldest 2 are on their own. 20 year old lives at her university & is saving money with her PT job.
    HOWEVER, I have a problem.
    I got divorced from my abusive banker husband and fell in love with a 34 year old man who was still living at home with his parents. He had a college degree, a Certified Flight Instructors license yet told me he was living at home for “free” yet his “rent” was being there to fix things when needed, now their yard, etc.
    He said it made no sense to waste money on his own place. He had an IRA of about $50K saved & was working a job for his neighbors who owned a business.
    After we were dating he quit his job saying the owner’s wife was mean & unreasonable (& I agreed) and he began living with me.
    After my divorce was final I bought s home and he moved in with me completely.
    When we met He showed me a document describing in great detail his biz he would run, lavish home he would build, multiple cars and airplanes he would own for different reasons. I believed it and was so “in love” that I obviously did not see the HUGE red flags that were there.

    So now he is “working” for his dad in his dad’s business which he told me when we met he would never do. There is not much work to do so most of his days are spent at the gym and hanging out at his parents house fixing things for his mom, having Lunch with his dad, etc.
    He earns about $2250 /month after taxes.
    Has earned sMe amount for last 3-4
    Years in same job. When I said I wanted him to get a real
    Job he threatened to jump off a huge love bridge.
    I started a business 3/4 years ago and earn $20K /month.
    I love him & know he loves me but am wondering what u suggest for me to do.? I appreciate your not judging me for my poor decisions years ago and appreciate your suggestions.

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      Ditch him!!

      Reply
    • Brian M.

      “When I said I wanted him to get a real job he threatened to jump off a huge love bridge.” Okay, first, I’d recommend extending him the same courtesy in terms of nonjudgment for past decisions that you have requested (and deserve). If additional income is necessary to provide for your children (or to prepare for other dependents like retired parents), then I’d recommend having a conversation with him about your family’s financial needs. If he is not willing to try providing for those needs (e.g. making a concerted effort to look for a new job or increase his value/pay at his current one), then I would recommend considering a breakup. If your own company is earning so much that you do NOT need additional income from him to provide for your family’s financial stability, and if he is otherwise a very good father figure (which you do not mention), then I feel that breaking up with him because he’s not as committed to his job as you are would probably be unwise. That said, from what you’ve described above, it sounds like he is probably not a great father figure… e.g. it sounds like his plans and commitments tend to evaporate.

      Also, it seems like he’s overly complacent (e.g. $50,000 in an IRA is not a joke but would not hold up in a calamity). I would think that someone really committed to providing for the family would be working harder to make sure that he has the resources to provide at least a contingency plan in case your business’ prospects sour or you or one of your children are suddenly disabled or hit by a car or otherwise unable to fully provide for themselves.

      Best of luck with everything, and congratulations on the success of your business. It takes a lot of hard work and daring.

      Reply
  21. Jeb beckham

    In my experience, people who age horribly and look like fat old farts by the time they reach 32 are very judgmental of those who choose to live at home, knowing that if they lived at home in their out of shape, heavily aged state, it would be an eyesore.
    In europe many people stay at home in their 30s and beyond, but it isnt an awkward situation because they are in shape and look more or less the same as they did when they were 18.
    The author of this article strikes me as being the fat/aging/bald type, angry that they could never pull off living at home without drawing looks of disgust from the neighbors. Live and let live. Who cares if someone doesnt want to pay 1200+ a month when they dont have to pay anything. A smart family is a better to do family. A family that saves money will be better off than a family that concedes 14,400$ + a year for no reason other than for the sake of appearances.
    Author, buy some rogaine, lose some weight, and move back home. You wont be so angry about others saving thousands of dollars when you are doing it too. 🙂

    Reply
    • Financial Samurai

      Oh trust me, I’m totally fine with living off the Bank of Mom & Dad. It’ become more common place as things get more expensive. I don’t think you have to feel bad about still depending on your parents either as an adult, if that’s the reason for your comment about being bald, fat, and angry. All is good as it’s becoming more and more common place.

      I didn’t want to feel like a further burden on my parents after the age of 21 b/c I already caused them so much grief. I was determined to make it on my own.

      After age 32, it’s probably time to let the children go, no?

      Sam

      Reply
  22. Linda

    Multi-generational houses were the norm until after WW2.

    Reply
    • Ty

      tHence the In-Law suite. I think the author was able to breeze by in the recession. Times change including social norms. It used to be you didn’t move out until you were married.

      Reply
  23. Frieda Deadman

    I really am so encouraged by how many parents can’t wait for the children they raised to grow up so they can kick them out.

    Well, I was set free at age 18, after taking care of the house and my brother from age 12 on after the divorce. I had nothing. My mother didn’t even let me take the blanket I’d been using since I was little. I’ve struggled my entire adult life because my parent couldn’t wait for me to leave and also because my parents couldn’t be bothered to help monetarily with anything after I did. I knew better than to ask. I’ve operated on the edge my entire life…other than the fact I survived with absolutely no types of insurance whatsoever, I have no idea how I paid for two brand new cars and an associate’s degree and half of a bachelor’s degree and still survived. I look at my social security readout just mailed to me, this year, and I cannot believe I made it. And I owe nothing of my ‘success’ to my parents.

    I am now 46. I see that the children who were allowed to stay at home with the understanding they will work full time and save money for a house down payment are doing much better economically than my spouse and I who were booted out of the house at age 18 with no family backup. In fact, my spouse disappeared for two years into the military before his folks bothered to get in touch with him, and my mother couldn’t be bothered with me as an adult, her oldest daughter, until my brother went into the first Iraq war and she realized what she was doing.

    OH…then there are the parents that groom one of the children to never leave home…but its the kid that gets all then censure…what a culture I live in.

    So, you parents that have kids you cannot wait to boot out of the house…why did you bother to have kids? Are you also the sorts that vote republican and feel you don’t have to contribute no funds to helping educate other people’s children now that you’ve successfully kicked your children out of your house? Make sure y’all get a reverse mortgage, now, so the kids won’t be able to easily get the house without clearing it with the loan servicer now, hey…after all a parent wouldn’t want one’s children to succeed off of their backs, now would they.

    Reply
    • Dee Smith

      After reading every one of the comments, this last one is EXACTLY what happened to me by my own parents and I feel everything you said. I grieved when both of my adult daughters left at 26 after, of course, they stayed home getting their BA degrees because I LOVED having them around. I knew it was a choice they made at the right time, for their futures to move out and get their lives “started” with the financial leg they needed after each landing a good job with their degrees. Unfortunately, I have a special needs son who wasn’t as lucky and at 28, is still living at home with me. I was literally forced out at 17, paying rent to my own father as a “tenant” in one of his apartments. Oh, and he was a rich man who passed away four years ago and it was only then that I found out that I had been “disinherited” financially in his will. Good ol’ step mommy got everything and he left nothing for any of my children or myself. Why did he even have kids in the first place is something I always wonder?

      Reply
  24. Karen

    What if you have an almost 21 yr old, only taking 2 classes at a community college (part time student), and refuses to look for work and balks at paying $200/mo for expenses? The excuse is, “I’m not like everybody else, I can’t work and go to school because I’m struggling”? In Dec she was told that $200 expenses for the month. Was extended until March 1st, and only paid $150, and doesn’t do any work around the house. Can I legally “throw her out”?

    Reply
    • Lisa

      Karen, my son is taking two classes at community college and working and still does not want to give me $200 a month. I didn’t kick him out, but he decided to leave once I told him that he can’t stay for free and that eventually he would have to start paying me. Now he is living in his car, which is his choice because he doesn’t want to pay. Yes, you can throw your 21 year old out, we are not obligated to do anything else for them once they reach 18. Everything else is a privilege.

      Reply
  25. Annie

    Some of you are heartless and lack family values. Many people who live at home work hard, contribute to their homes, and take care of parents and siblings. I have a family member who lived at home until age 40 and moved next door at age 41. He is kind, loving, hardworking, and takes care of his ailing mother. He is by no means a moocher, a loser, or someone who uses his mother! It is about family at the end of the day, not money! I plan to live at home until I have enough money to buy my family a bigger home. For a hard working single with no future plans of marriage, I could not think of a better plan.

    Reply
  26. wyndance

    I agree that if an adult child is working and going to school, they should be allowed to live at home, as long as they are behaving responsibly.
    However, my 30 year old daughter, her boyfriend, her 3 children and 17 animals are living with me in a 2 bedroom trailer!
    I never invited them to live with me.
    I told them they could stay there for the 2 weeks I was in Ecuador, so they could care for my animals.
    Now they refuse to leave, but aren’t very interested in working.
    She panhandles, and he applies for a job here and there.
    But if he gets one and doesn’t like it, he will quit after a couple days.
    They were told to pay half the housing expenses, but only made a modest effort a couple times.
    They have no where to go, and never will unless they decide to finally work.
    Meanwhile, she’s borrowed over $20,000 over the years because I’ve tried to keep my grandkids off the street.
    I kicked them out, gave them ultimatums, etc, but to no avail!
    They won’t leave!
    Any ideas?
    I’m in WA

    Reply
  27. victoria

    I’m here to give a great testimony about my family, Dr Ekaka just restored back my family i have been have misunderstanding with my husband and his family we both have been living separately for over 1 year now. Till last week that i find a testimony on the internet on how Dr Ekaka ekakaspelltemple @yahoo.com help someone to bring back his family together which was the same issue that i was going through, I contact him about my problem and he told me what i needed to do after 24 hours i got a call from my husband asking me to forgive him for what has been going on it was just like a dream to be as things began to happen the same way Dr Ekaka told me. I am so happy right now that i have my family back together again.

    Reply
  28. Shannon McNamar

    Seriously…32 years old?!? You have got to be kidding me!! By 32 I had been married 9 years, had a 3 year old and another on the way. I was on my second post college job and making over $50k per year and that was 14 years ago. Why in the world would you even post 32 years old as the age to kick a child out. Should be more around 22 or 25 at the latest. 32 is over 1/3 of their life. Sheesh!

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you weren’t living at home for several reasons many of which may have been through the help of someone else or a life situation that made that possible. Leaving home to shack up with someone or getting married isn’t “doing it on your own.” It’s an easy way out and one that not everyone is going to jump into to get out of their parents home. Secondly- that college degree didn’t come free and most likely had financial help attached to it and was how you got your $50k a year job. Most people can’t even get loans on their own without established credit well into their mid twenties which means unless your degree came cheap somebody signed those for you to get you where you are. Not everyone has a daddy willing to sign off on future loans to put their kid through school. Further, to put someone down for living at home because you got where you got is idiotic because nothing is free and no one gets anywhere with help from somewhere.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      That’s you! All people are not the same! Not to be rude but you are blessed to have 3 out of 3 kids to be perfect or responsible! It just don’t work like that for most parents!

      Reply
  29. Mr. Clean

    Some of these comments really crack me up. “Oh my gosh, living at home isn’t FREE, it costs lots and lots of money to keep an adult. Just why would I want my parents keep me, that would be eating into what they EARNED”. Take a freaking valium already. Sure, situations like that DO exist, and there are some adult children who live at home, don’t work, and truly eat into what mom and pop went out there and broke their backs to earn. So, instead of mom and pop getting to enjoy their retirement, they are watching their grown kid sit on their hind quarters and smoke weed and play Xbox spend up what THEY went out there and made. HOWEVER, to say that EVERY situation is like that is extremely narrow minded. I lived at home well into my adult years. I worked and paid my parents something each month. That’s not to say I didn’t make mistakes, because I did. My mistakes had to do with school, or the lack thereof. I quit high school at age 17 and did not even get a GED until I was nearly 30. But, that was my screw up and my cross to bear. I will pay for that poor choice for the rest of my life.

    What really used to make me scratch my head was when relatives and nosy friends of my parents would say crap like “well, it isn’t free for him to live with you”. And when my parents would say that I paid them each month, the replies would always be that that did not make any difference because they were still losing money letting me live there. I was still “eating into” what they earned. And that I was messing up their retirement. That wasn’t the case by any means. But, people just had to weigh in. It was insane. Especially considering that the idiots who were saying that had grown kids that had moved out, BUT they were losers who got evicted from various apartments for FAILURE TO PAY!! I always thought that they had some nerve to tell my parents that I needed to be kicked out, despite the fact that I worked 60 plus hours a week and was hardly ever at home AND paid them each month when their own kids were deadbeats. But, they were deadbeats not living at home, so I guess that made them better than me.

    Reply
  30. Flare

    Yeah well when you’re 42, receiving from an abusive relationship and have chronic fatigue syndrome, guess what. I’m moving back home and I really don’t care who thinks I’m a loser for it. I may not pay rent, but I work, buy my own food, do my own laundry, pay for my phone and all car expenses and buy my own clothes.

    Work is extremely difficult for me and I have to take days off very often because of the bouts of fatigue I come down with. Believe me if I could move out and get my own place again I’d do it in a heartbeat.

    Reply
  31. Flare

    Sorry meant to say recovering from an abusive relationship.

    Reply
  32. ed

    here is how I got rid of my freeloading adult stepdaughter.
    yell at her until she cries.
    refuse to let her use the bathroom or the tv room or the kitchen
    ruin her relationship with her mother ruin her relationship with her bf the neighbours and all of your friends
    shove her kick the couch trip her bother her when she is watching tv or on the phone
    refuse to let use your car to go anywhere even an interview unless you put a tracking device in the car

    Reply
  33. Jeanette Thomas

    I have a 17 year old son that just graduated out of high school in June. I’m really not sure what he want to do with his life. He suppose to be attending Lone Star to get his basic class out of the way but he hasn’t made the necessary steps to check to see if he got approved for financial aid help. It’s like he’s waiting on me to find out for him but that’s his responsible to check. He will not take the initiative to find out things on his own he depends on me for every thing.. He want wash dishers are take out the trash unless I ask him too when i shouldn’t have too..He still expects me to take him to work without offering any gas money are even when we stop he don’t even offer to get out and pump the gas..i have talked to him over and over againbut it just seems to go through one ear and out the other..What shall I do.. I’m getting so feed up..

    Reply
  34. Donna

    I want my daughter to move out she is 31 and always having problems with her ex, I don’t need no drama in my life, I want her out. Its a constant thing, he is really bad for her, he cheats constantly, get girls pergnate and she always forgives him. She is crazy, I am done with her, but she is also a very tough and can get violant with me.

    Is there a legal way I turn to, to get her on her own? I don’t want to be involved with her problems. I am 61 years old and want peace in my life with no drama from her. My husband passed away jan.26/2016, I don’t want anymore men in my life.

    Reply
  35. Torn Momma

    I have a 34 year old son who has lived with me for the past 8 years. He was in a serious relationship with a girl he met in college. They moved in together and it lasted 3 years. He asked my husband and I if he could move back in for 6 months. We agreed. He fell into a deep depression over the mutual breakup. His credit was trashed and he had a difficult time keep his job due to the depression and following advice from the “wrong crowd”. He eventually found a job and has been gainfully employed for the past three years. He paid all outstanding debt and has restored his credit. He purchased a new car and has saved about $12k so far. My dilemma? My husband and I have been wanting to move out west. We have 2 other married children out their and 5 grandchildren. My son is not married and is not in a relationship (that we know of). We have been discussing this move for the past 18 months. Our house is sold and we leave to head out west in 2 weeks. I am so torn and emotionally a wreck over leaving my son. I know he is 34 years old and should be able to support himself. He found an apartment and we helped him move in. I am now scared to death to leave him. It’s too late, I cant turn back now. My husband and I have purchased a new home out west. I feel like an awful mother because my son will be living alone. There are numerous extended family members about an hour away. I still feel so awful that I cry multiple times a day (not in front of him or my husband). I feel it is time for him to take responsibility for his life and perhaps find a mate before its too late. Any thoughts?

    Reply
  36. Cammie

    Your thoughts!

    Step daughter, husband, 5 kids, 2 dogs came to stay with us to help them out of homelesness,
    (they were asked to leave from relatives they were living with for 6 months), 7 months later, no jobs for either in a good job market. Step daughter cries when we bring subject of moving out up, because she is stressed. Am I cray for wanting them out? House is too crowded. I feel we are helping them to be dependent on us and not force them to work for a living.

    Yours truly

    Feeling guilty

    Reply
  37. Apron Strings

    I would be okay with continuing to have my 32 year old son at home if he was acting more adult. He works, and gives me some money but is underachieving and does not do anything close to his share around the house. I told him he had to move out by age 30, but he just said he can’t. I said he needed to start giving me more money and he simply disagreed. We live in a high cost area. I don’t know how he will afford it long term with his low income, but living with me has allowed him to save plenty. I point out he could pay rent for at least a few years with the money he saved up, but he says then all his money would be gone. I have been a single mom for many years and he has more saving than I have. His lifestyle is just too comfortable . He doesn’t even seem to comprehend that he is taking advantage of me and seems deeply hurt when try I talk about the situation. Clearly he needs to be pushed from the nest, but short of actually having him evicted, I don’t know how to make that happen. I feel that forcing his launch is really a duty I must fulfill as a mom, put I prefer not to resort to being such a bitch that he feels he can’t stand being around me anymore. Any suggestions beyond having another serious conversation with him? I prefer not to have to sell my house and get a condo, just to force his launch because that is not what would be best for me at this time financially.

    Reply
  38. Apron Strings

    I just realized that like the last 2 posts before me, we are each venting about our situation, but really none of us is at ease. Torn Momma, at least you have taken the step. How are you feeling now? Cammie, that is a full house, but due to my job working with homeless families, I have to tell you the process usually takes about a year, if not a bit more. How about a deadline on at least getting a job?

    Reply
  39. Lisa

    My son is 24 years old and would rather live in his car than to give me $200 a month. He makes about $1600 a month and the only bills he has is his cell, car insurance, and storage fee. Not to mention he does not clean or help out around the house, and has a very nasty attitude. Can’t ask him one thing without him mouthing off at me. He called me a shitty parent because I refused to allow him to stay with me for free. Mind you I have two other small kids that I am taking care of, my husband has been laid off for 8 months and just recently started back working part time. I am in no position to allow him to stay without earning his keep. But he can’t seem to understand this.

    Reply
  40. Mike Finch

    I’ve worked since 15 and counted change for gas money to work! I have been through it all ! I’m 48 years old and guess what? I MADE IT WORK!! Stop mooching off mom and dad! I’m in the process of building a custom home! But yes I absolutely struggled! I’m so tired of very ABLE adults making excuses while living at home! Take care of yourself and WORK ! Get off your mamas nipple already!

    Reply
  41. Barbara

    My husband and I are looking to move out of state – we have 2 kids still at home. 1 is 20 she works part time during school and goes to school full time. My son just turned 24, is going to grad school (two days a week – which is full time and he finally just got a part time job. Working overnights. We told them we were moving (my husband has an opportunity to make 25-30 thousand dollars more a year then he makes now. We have been telling them for a year now that we were moving. We have offered for them to come with us, neither one can save any money, my 20 year old spends it as soon as she gets it – they don’t want to come with us and are making me feel horrible about moving. We just recently started asking for 50 dollars a month towards car insurance – (which they begrudgingly pay for the most part) other then that – everything is free for them including the cars they drive and their cell phones. When is enough enough?

    Reply
  42. MomelessinSanFran

    Anybody having kids now should expect to have them live at home until they are 40. The economy is not what it was 20 years ago. Unemployment and underemployment are rampant. College debt has gone out of control. While Baby Boomers own a main house and a vacation house, recent college graduates and younger are priced out of owning houses.

    Reply

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